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Animal Jokes

Animal Jokes

cartoon animals

A dog joke

Two women were out for a Saturday night stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, “Let’s go over to that bar for a drink.”

The lady with the Chihuahua said, “We can’t go in there, we’ve got dogs with us.”

The one with the Doberman said, “Just watch, and do as I do.”

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, “Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.”

The woman with the Doberman said, “You don’t understand, this is my seeing eye dog.”
The bouncer said, “A Doberman?”
The woman said, “Yes, they’re using them now. They’re very good.”
The bouncer said, “OK, come on in.”
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, “What the heck,” so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, “Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.”
The woman said, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog”

The bouncer said, “A Chihuahua?”
The woman with the Chihuahua said, “A Chihuahua? They gave me a ***** Chihuahua ?!”

The Old Man, The Boy and the Donkey

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode the donkey and the old man walked. As they walked along they passed some people who remarked, “What a shame the old man is walking and the boy is riding.”

The man and the boy though that maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later they passed some people who remarked, “What a shame … he makes that little boy walk.”
So they decided they’d both walk!

Soon they passed some more people who remarked, “They’re really stupid to walk when they have a decent donkey to ride.”

So they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some more people who shamed them by saying, “How awful to put such a load on the poor donkey.”

The boy and man figured they were probably right so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge they lost their grip on the animal and he fell in the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass goodbye!

Chimpanzees

A woman motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, “Are you going to San Diego?”

“Sure,” answered the blonde, “do you need a lift?”
“Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to San Diego Zoo. They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I’ll give you $100 for your trouble.”

“I’d be happy to,” said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. “What the hell are you doing here?” he demanded, “I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.”

“Yes, I know you did,” said the woman,”but we had money left over so now we’re going to Sea World.

Widdle Wabbit

A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, “Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?”

As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he’s on her level and asks, “Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?”
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, “I don’t think my python weally gives a thit.”