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Humour Collection # 1

Humour Collection #1

Jigsaw from hell?

A woman calls her boyfriend for help with a killer jigsaw puzzle. She just can’t figure out how to get it started.
Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The woman says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”

She shows him the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”

He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax…. let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then…. he sighed, “…let’s put all these Corn Flakes back in the box.”

First week of school

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m just wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk!”

Modern Slant on the Lord’s Prayer

A woman had been teaching her three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord’s Prayer for several evenings at bedtime. She would repeat after her mother the lines from the prayer.

Finally, she decided to go solo.

Her mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer:

“Lead us not into temptation,” she prayed, “but deliver us some E-mail.”

Flying Tourists

A tourist, arms outstretched had budgies perched from his shoulder to his wrist. A second tourist had parrots perched from his shoulder to wrist. Together they jumped off a tall bridge. Said the first tourist “I don’t think much of this parrotgliding.” “No” the second agreed,”I don’t think much of this budgie jumping either.”

Turkey Time

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,
“Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”

Early Morning Visitor

This bloke’s in bed asleep when there’s a knock on door. He rolls over and looks at the clock and it’s half past three in the morning. “You’ve got to be joking,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
“Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door and there’s a man standing outside.
“Hey mate” says the stranger, “can you give me a push ?”
“No, clear off (or something like that!) it’s half past three in the morning. I was in bed asleep!” says the man and shuts the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says “Dave, that’s not very nice. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man’s door to help us get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to clear off?”

So, feeling guilty, he gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, “Hey mate, do you still want a push?” and he hears a voice cry out: “Yeah, please mate.”

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: “Where are you?”
“I’m over here – on the swings.”

Guide to inner peace

By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace.
The article read: “The way to achieve inner peace is to finish off all the things you have started”.

So I looked round the house to see all the things I had started and hadn’t finished… and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of champagne, a bottle of white wine, the Baileys, three Bacardi Breezers, the left over Sambucca, the Prozac, some Valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how bloody good I feel!

Smart Alec?

A high school English teacher reminds her class of the following days final exam.
“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family – but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever.”
A smart aleck guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I rang in and said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

A parrot joke

This guy acquires a parrot. After a few weeks it’s settled into it’s new home after which it starts swearing like you wouldn’t believe. The parrot can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, polite, conservative type, and this bird’s foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, “QUIT IT!” But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, “Right that’s it, I’ve had enough” and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes and uses words even the most vulgar of comedians wouldn’t consider. Then suddenly…. it gets VERY quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt or deep chilled.

After a couple of minutes of silence, he’s so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man’s outstretched arm and says, “Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I’ll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.” The man is astounded. He can’t understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

After the parrot has warmed up a little it says quietly, “By the way, what did the chicken do?”

Humour collection #2