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Puns

Some of these puns are real ‘groaners!’ (Yippee!)

If you love how language can be moulded to make you laugh (or groan) you’ll love these puns.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist’s Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Q: What’s covered in tin foil and jumps from cathedral to cathedral?
A: The Lunch Pack of Notre Dame.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
‘Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.’

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.The frog says, ‘Sure. I have this,’ and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, ‘There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.’
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. ‘I mean, what in the world is this?’
(you’re gonna love this)
(its a real treat)
(a masterpiece)
(wait for it)
The bank manager looks back at her and says…
‘It’s a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.’
(You’re singing it, aren’t you? Yeah, I know you are…)

Puns and Insane Use of The English Language
  • I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
  • When chemists die, they barium.
  • Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
  • I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
  • How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
  • I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
  • This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club but I’d never met herbivore.
  • I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
  • I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
  • They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
  • PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.
  • Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
  • I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
  • When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
  • Broken pencils are pointless.
  • I tried to catch some fog but I mist.
  • What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
  • England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
  • I used to be a banker but then I lost interest.
  • I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
  • I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
  • Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
  • Velcro — what a rip off!
  • A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
  • Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
  • Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
  • Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
  • A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
  • Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.
  • Practice safe eating – always use condiments.
  • Shotgun wedding – A case of wife or death.
  • A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
  • A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
  • Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
  • Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
  • Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
  • Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
  • When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
  • A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.
  • What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead give away).
  • In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
  • She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
  • A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
  • If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
  • With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
  • The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
  • You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
  • Local Area Network in Australia – the LAN down under.
  • Every calendar’s days are numbered.
  • A lot of money is tainted – Taint yours and taint mine.
  • A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
  • He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
  • A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
  • Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
  • Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
  • Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
  • Acupuncture is a jab well done.