Most people think they get on well with others
And it’s true. Most people can get along when they’re talking about things that don’t really matter very much; the weather, for example – or something they can agree upon.
However, when we need to discuss important issues or to resolve a conflict many of us absolutely suck at communicating! (Sorry, but it’s true.)
In this podcast, Aaron Mooar from Raglan Radio and I discuss why this is the case. More importantly we chew over what we can do to improve.
After a brief description of what NLP is – for new listeners – we talk about how people often believe they get on well with people and that they’re competent communicators. We discuss the development of our communication abilities; how communication skills are typically learnt by copying or modelling the people around us.
But if the models we learnt from didn’t have particularly good skills to start with, we’re unlikely to have good skills ourselves.
That is – unless we’ve acquired them subsequently
Aaron gives some great personal examples of his and others lack of communication abilities. We talk about how changing yourself – by learning new skills – means that you start to develop more flexibility in how you communicate. In doing so you naturally become more influential.
Employers want people with excellent people skills
They want people with people skills but they generally don’t provide training for people to master those skills. Instead, they train staff in the technical-type skills they need to do the practical work required of the job. Our discussion covers how folk end up in ‘personality clashes’ – which are caused by people being inflexible in how they communicate.
The ‘how’ of rapport
We also discuss the importance of – and ways to establish rapport; that, contrary to what many think, it’s not something that happens by accident. My course The Power of Personal Change – MetaMorphosis 101 helps people gain fundamental knowledge of rapport building. They learn to be conscious of what they do and change aspects of their thinking and behaviour that aren’t working.
We consider what makes people influential (it’s not what you think!) and how, in the mere act of having a conversation we are aiming to influence each other. Communications should be open and honest and we each must be willing to take on board what another has said. If one person isn’t ready to listen but just wants to convince the other that they’re right – then they’re being manipulative. And no-one likes being accused of that!
We speak about how we’re all part of a system; a family system for example, or an employment system. The most flexible communicator in any system will have the most control because they will have most skill. They’ll also be the most influential.
Stop trying to get others to change
Instead of trying to get other people to change and spending your life being frustrated because they don’t measure up, improve your own skillset! Then notice how others react differently towards you. Someone who you may not have previously got along with can become your best buddy when you learn and apply the skills taught in the course.